NFL is Funny

When they screw up…

Jones: Strippers are riddled with bullets
Hochuli: Teams lose games
Advantage: Push -- both are tragic in their own right

Striped shirts:

Jones: His future
Hochuli: His present
Advantage: Hochuli

Recently sucker-punched…

Jones: His own bodyguard at a urinal
Hochuli: Charger fans looking for a win
Advantage: Push

Knights in shining denial:

Jones: Jerry Jones
Hochuli: Young refs who get into the game thinking they'll be chick magnets
Advantage: Push

Call from Roger Goodell can only mean…

Jones: Another flight to New York, another suspension, another six-figure bill at Scores.
Hochuli: A pep talk, via an impersonal conference call, then a long night getting lost in the soothing magic of the elliptical machine.
Advantage: Push

It takes four men to…

Jones: Bodyguard him 24/7
Hochuli: Squeeze him into his clothes
Advantage: Push

Making it rain:

Jones: Scattering cash in the air over a stripper's head
Hochuli: The way the sky explodes with beer after his missed calls
Advantage: Push

Thinks "Wildcat" is…

Jones: The aggressive brunette in a pack of middle-aged cougars
Hochuli: A formation that is begging you to throw a flag
Advantage: Jones

Shocked that the Jets coach didn't name his new son…

Jones: Zach "Pacman" Mangini
Hochuli: Zach "Big Hochuli Guns" Mangini
Advantage: Push

Making matters worse:

Jones: He is also an amateur rapper
Hochuli: He's also a lawyer
Advantage: Hochuli in a shocker! I'm no fan of lawyers, but what is worse than the musical delusions of professional athletes?

Super Bowls:

Jones: Zero
Hochuli: Five
Advantage: Hochuli

Shockers:

Jones: In college, he was a member of the Athletic Director's Academic Honor Roll.
Hochuli: Actually played college ball at UTEP
Advantage: Push. Look, it's not like either one went to MIT.

The '80s:

Jones: His nickname is inspired by a video game popularized in the 1980s
Hochuli: His uniform number, 85, is one of the few fans can I.D.
Advantage: I'll be the first to admit this category is a list stuffer. Moving on…

Have they updated their Myspace page?

Jones: His last login was Oct. 11, 2008, yet the page still lists him as a Tennessee Titan
Hochuli: "Guns" Hochuli. Despite many Hulk images, his last login: July 12, 2006.
Advantage: Jones, on a technicality

Legends who have offered support and counsel:

Jones: Jim Brown, Michael Irvin, Deion Sanders
Hochuli: Ben Grimm, Bruce Banner, Joe Piscopo
Advantage: Push

Remorse:

Jones: No
Hochuli: Yes
Advantage: Hochuli

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